Alas....

These things are becoming real. These things I learned about how emotions are beautiful, pain is real, missing people and not over-promising things, but simply living in the reality that life is full of pain and sadness, of joy and beauty. 

Of looking into a neighbor's heart and soul and body and saying, you are beautiful, and you bear the image of Abba, and to look at me and to say, you are beautiful, and you bear the image of Abba. 

And to recognize that to love another human is to see the face of God. 

And to recognize that redemption is always possible, but that it happens in unlikely ways and in upside-down ways. 

To understand the mess of the bittersweet and to not deny oneself the privilege and right of grieving what has been lost. 

To find life again. 

To fumble and foible and not allow brokenness to hinder the belief in a greater beauty, 

To steadily pace oneself and breathe deeply. To rest, delight, play, and ask for help when needed. 

To simply delight in the light of life, to recognize that beauty happens in the 98% of mundane, not the 2% of beauty or in the landmarks of life like a wedding day or a debut and moving. It is simply in mundane life that beauty arises. 

It is not in the seemingly beautiful but in the mundane, ordinary, unlikely places of life. The driving, the daily interactions with Nan from Baldwin, the daily interactions with those at Mccon or the Post Office or the staff members I see frequently, or the folks for whom I hold the door, or those whose outfits I compliment or who I choose to see and smile at. It is not in the seemingly extraordinary moments of life that excitement is kindled. Rather excitement about life and incessant searching for truth, goodness, and beauty, and finding it, therein is kindled over a lifetime of faithfulness, kindness, and goodness in the world. 

It is not in the travel, in the airplane seat, in the excellent news heard, in the fancy events, in the classy moments, in the fine wine, and in the having it all together moments. It is not in the aha moments, in the moments of recognition of what life is about, in the next promotion, the next book, the next exhilarating experience, or in the constant stream of approval from people. 

All of these things come back empty. What the meaning makers know is that the true richness of life is found and birthed every day. In the choice to respond with kindness rather than stress. In the willingness to lean in during conflict. In the kindness to a driver who cuts you off. In the "thank you" to the food server who serves you. In the kind thought toward self and day upon waking. It is not in the entertainment, in the good feel moment, in the moment of fame, in the grand accomplishment, in the high achieving pursuit of success as defined by the world. It is not in the next degree, the amount of money in one's savings, the number of published works one authors, or anything else that seems grand in the eyes of the world. 

Meaning is cultivated in the midst of a sunset in the heart of the city. It is in the art of making, in a child's laugh, in the smell of a coffee in the morning. It is in the newness of an art piece, the exploring of a new place, in the holding of a lover's hand, In the birthing of a child, and in the raising of a child though they scream, cry, and are unhindered by what people think! It is in waking in the morning and delighting to be alive again. In the generosity toward a stranger. 

To not chase the American Dream. To chase not the cut-throat business world and being a high achiever. Why does our culture celebrate the high-achievers when Jesus celebrates the lowly? Why does our culture celebrate and clap for those who have it all and who work the room rather than those who are shy, and needy, and why does our culture celebrate Networking rather than deep relationship building? Pressure-inducing, expectations of having it all figured out, and smashing years of a career into two years. We are inauthentic and have false, wrong motives in pursuing wealth and social capital. Is that really the joy of life, pursuing social capital? Is that really what all of this amounts to? Frankly, I don't want to turn out like the left side of those who sit at the pews at my church. I long for more. I know there's more. I see the emptiness in their eyes and mine are full of hope. I see the desperation in their eyes and mine are full of peace. I simply refuse to chase the white picket fence or in my day, the Instagram life with all of its immediate glories and mediocrities. 

I don't want the typical life. I want the sweat-producing, honest, integrity-full, back-roads, hippy gypsy life that is full of meaning-making, deep genuine laughter, seeing each other for REAL, denying the self, reading stories, humble, forgetting and letting go of what people think, living the dream but the real one kind of life. The struggling and the conflicts and the safely getting through them holding each other arm in arm. The not-getting sidetracked by the world kind of life that is full of beauty and richness and that life which does not say, "I am here only to make money." I want something more. I want to fly. I want to spread my wings and go somewhere I've never been. I want to seek Jesus and love people, pursuing them, but mostly the quirky ones. I want to be around the misfits and the ones who don't have it all together and the freeing ones. I want to be around the people whose hearts are alive although they might not look like it. Whose souls are free although on the outside they look like they're dying of poverty and sickness and hunger and hurt. I long to meet people's needs, to feed them, to bathe them, to draw near to those whom nobody else draws near to. To mother people. 

I long not to say an opinion, but to make meaning and create space for people to be deeply heard. 

I long not to impose my judgement upon a neighbor, but rather to recognize that the world is full of endless potential and space in the kingdom for all. 

I long to not be a soccer mom with Starbucks in hand, or to follow the ways of Americans. I long to draw near, to be intimate with God and people and creation. To have my eyes fixed on something better. To rest when I need to rest and to work when I am being summoned to work. I don't long to be with those who fit in. I long to be with the mis-fits. I long to be with those whom nobody else would love. I long to bring people in whom nobody else would bring in. I long to lay down the American dream, and to forget and leave behind what people think about me and how I look on the outside. 

I want people to want to see my heart. I want to be around people who "get it" and not those who are far from what is true. I long to truly be a worker in the Kingdom for the good of the Kingdom. I long to build and dig deep roots. To be grounded in the love of God. To not settle for what the world says, but to go for the bigness of what God says. I long to not have my life be the picture perfect life. I long to have a house that is messy at night because of how well lived in it was during the day. I long to have strength build up at the moments when I hit rock bottom. I long to let go of perfectionism. I long to let go of fear and the internal uphill battle that so easily entangles me. I long to serve with my whole heart the Church of Christ and to be faithful to His call for my life. I long to let go of the external and internal pressures of those around me, the expectation that I be busy, and the self-ctiticism with which I condemn myself, saying that if only I was more extraverted, more business oriented, more hungry for accolades, skinner or bushier eyebrows, better this and that. 

I want my house to be loud with the sound of music and quiet with the sound of listening ears. 

I want my temple to be a dwelling place for the most high that is pure in thought, word, and deed, seeking to let go of what is a cultural standard and picking up the beautiful, bearable, lovely invitation from Jesus to embark on an unfathomable journey. 

I want my heart to be pure with motives that are pure. I want to constantly learn from Jesus first, and the Bible second. I long to understand Jesus, and to be humble even when I misunderstand Him. 

I long to have a long, fulfilling marriage. I long to not retire but to work unto the Lord. I long to provide people with an experience of love and abundance, and not the acquisition of things. 

I long to not impress people, but to be quietly content with the life I have been granted. 

To laugh deeply at the days to come because of my God. 

To not worry in the face of drought or famine, because of the faithfulness of Abba. 

I long not to misunderstand Abba as some subculture part of the American dream, in which God is simply one who gives us money and is presented as an impersonal God. 

My God is one who is very personal and intimate. 

So, in the next year, I'll get married. 

Because what I am learning in life and about life is that it is not about the what, but about the who, and I have found my main who. 

Maybe I’ll work for Kisha and Tamise! Maybe I’ll take over PourHouse. Maybe I’ll work with Immigrant connection. Maybe I’ll do Orr. Maybe I’ll be a worship leader somewhere. Maybe I’ll write a book, bring in foster kids, love on the orphan and widow, bring in the strangers, and have a little humble apartment where I can offer space to those who don’t have a place to live. Maybe I’ll follow Jesus and Just go to the places that are lowly like Travelers and GreenTree. Maybe Something new will come up! God has always been faithful, and I have always done the unordinary thing.

The dream isn't to record an album. The dream isn't to have the best experiences, get the best degrees, make the most money, look the best, or be the skinniest. I have been met with Jesus. I have been wounded by the REAL Jesus. The dream is to become a person chasing truth goodness and beauty, practicing the good life, and becoming like Jesus. The goal is to get more of God. So then, anything is just an added thing. I want to form into the kind of person who gets God. More and more and more of Him. The goal is not to have a big following but to follow Jesus. The goal is not to become a celebrity but to simply know people and choose to see them, all of them, the ugly and beautiful, and everywhere in between. 

The goal is to Know God and Love Him, and then to Love all who are in my path and to be loved by those whose paths I am in. The goal is to slow down, to soak in life, and to enjoy God and people in such a way that produces completely harmonious fellowship and joy. 

The goal isn't money, and I know I will sometimes be stressed about it. 

The goal isn't outward beauty, but internal, quiet, lovely beauty. 

The goal isn't more popular friends but to befriend those whom God Himself is reflected in, namely, those who are gentle and lowly and who do not seek recognition for their own advantage. 

The goal is God. The Goal is Jesus. The Goal is Holy Spirit. 

What's happening here is a strengthening and rich deep well digging of my inner world. 

And this is a holy recognition. 

These, alas, are holy recognitions.