Ethnodoxology

This weekend I partook in one of the most eye-opening worship experiences of my life! I will begin by incorporating the lyrics from a Korean Blessing Song which we closed our time with, that simply goes: 

"May the love of God spring up in your soul,

Like a healing stream in the wilderness flowing. 

May the love of God quench the thirsty soul, 

Feed the hungry heart. 

May the love of God flow through you."

I love this song of blessings: I love the book of blessings: I love the beautiful gift that we find in each other. We're all in the same boat, humans deeply broken and longing for healing and wholeness. Humans deeply needy for a Savior, for one who is bigger than us to steep in and rescue us: and that's what we have. We're all travelers, journeying on the same road of life, not one of us better than the other, each of us experiencing the same insecurities, the same need, the same desire to be loved and accepted and wanted and to know that we belong here. 

Lyrics don't do the song justice, though, for the melody took what was flightless and gave it wings. We stood and opened our hands in postures of giving/receiving, and simply looked into each other's eyes, singing this blessing over one another. While the ending was beautiful, the whole thing really was full of pure goodness. Each group tried something different, between cartography, poetry, a moment where we wrote with marker the sins for which we wanted forgiveness on our hands and washed what we had written off in a basin of water after a time of confession. The symbolism of washing away the sin and stepping into forgiveness left me breathless...

The group I was divided into, Donny, Brian, Aynsley, Luke, and I, was stunning. We wrote a song called Manna, where we sang about God as Provider, one who provides for every need. It was undeniably the Holy Spirit who called forth this song from within us, unity washing over us like a blanket, stirring our souls in one accord. We danced with each other, and sang wholeheartedly. 

Each group's humility and eagerness to engage in intercultural worship helped me understand a new side of the face of Jesus. Jesus, one who meets us with compassion and tenderness, gentleness and lowlines when we come to Him. Jesus, one who heals the deepest insecurities, speaks the truth into our veins, exposes the darkness without shaming His beloved as though He was an angry God... 

This weekend was so interesting for me, to learn about the beauty of intercultural worship, to even spend time in Jordan Rife's worship room, the back stage of College Wes where the worship team spends their time fellowshipping, creating, brainstorming, confessing, being healed and delivered, learning, coming to the Throne room with boldness and humility day in and day out. 

I have been struggling with deep insecurity and believing that I am alone or that I am not beloved, and as a result, I have been stress eating and shopping online. Two things that I know are my stress responses to moments of deep insecurity and insignificance. Although I did not resist the temptation to believe those lies, I was able to quickly recognize where I had failed and fumbled and quickly, without lying or covering up, come into the courts of my Savior with honest reflection about the brokenness I am in. The reality of my own insecurities and inadequacies coupled with a strange interaction with my home on Friday night, coupled with gray skies and an empty campus, and finally, topped with a severe headache that caused me to stay in bed until twelve thirty this morning, caused me to experience some deep pain and loneliness this weekend. 

I am grateful -- endlessly, for Donny and Brian, whose constant source of laughter fills me with delight and makes my stomach hurt from joy. This is the kind of connection that breaks insecurity. I also chose to press into my brokenness by listening to a John Mark Comer podcast on the three darknesses in the world: the Enemy, the World, and Our own brokenness. I'm learning that the enemy wants me to believe, more than anything, that I am not the beloved. That I can ideate, rationalize, conceptualize, who God is and who I am, and that in doing so I will gain control, power, safety, security, popularity, and satisfaction. It's interesting that today we experienced as a class freedom from sin and lies through the symbol of the basins washing away what had marked our skin so unkindly.... 

Psalm 103 was read over us... and I was taken aback by the beautiful tenderness of the Psalm, which I will include here: 

Psalm 103

Of David.

1 Praise the Lord, my soul;

    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the Lord, my soul,

    and forget not all his benefits—

3 who forgives all your sins

    and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit

    and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things

    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The Lord works righteousness

    and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,

    his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

    slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,

    nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve

    or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

    so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,

    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,

    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,

    he remembers that we are dust.

15 The life of mortals is like grass,

    they flourish like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,

    and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting

    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

    and his righteousness with their children’s children—

18 with those who keep his covenant

    and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,

    and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,

    you mighty ones who do his bidding,

    who obey his word.

21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,

    you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the Lord, all his works

    everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

Praise the Lord, my soul, Indeed. 

I'm wrestling with a lot right now in this time of life, learning many new things, and having my eyes opened to reality at a greater level than I had before. I am truly the Beloved of God, bought with a price, called to be meet by mercy, a receiver of mercy, a receiver of the constant out pouring of God's endless, boundless, beautiful, breathtaking love. Love that does not meet me with frustration or shaming, but that digs into the deepest caverns of my soul, beneath the tip of the iceberg, and unravels and unearths what has been buried deep inside me. 

Where do my insecurities come from? 

Why am I so focused on how I look externally, or how people perceive me, or what people think of me? 

Why do I worry about money, buying clothes, keeping up with the Jones's? Why do I constantly worry what my mom thinks about me? Why is growing up so hard? Why do I experience attachment disorder from my mom and family on coming to college? What is the reality; the truth? I was reminded of Riggs' today when Comer said, "What is truth? Truth is reality." 

The reality is, I am an insecure, self-conscious, constantly comparing myself person, who deeply needs to be touched by a love and healing so deep that it cannot possibly be undone. 

The reality is, I am sinful, self-focused, sexually immoral, hard-hearted, envious, malicious, and sinful in every other way, and that because of that brokenness, Jesus draws near, not in spite of or regardless of my brokenness. 

I am challenged today to truly confront my own darkness, and not to try and fix it, because the reality is, I can't. Only Abba can, only Jesus can, only Spirit can. Only in the Triune God can I find healing, life, wholeness, and it won't come through self-discipline or making a budget or counting my calories or constant accountability check-ins. The healing, love, and radical life transformation is not about behavioral management, it is about repentance of beliefs. And my God does not condemn those who come to Him, so I choose to come to Him, day after day, surrendering humbly my brokenness, and recognizing that it is my desires that need to be transformed, not my actions. 

I am constantly reminded of the berry bush illustration, in which a mother recognizes that her children are playing outside near a poisonous berry bush. She doesn't think to uproot the plant, but rather simply cuts the branches off, thinking a simply chop will do the fix. Instead, within weeks of the plant being chopped, it grows back (as all rooted plants do) and produces, yet again, poisonous berries. This cycle repeats until alas, a neighbor suggests uprooting the plant and it finally does the trick. The mother had to get beneath the surface of the ground to uproot the strongly, firmly planted root so that it wouldn't grow: period. 

I am thinking about how humans are drawn into story, not information. We are humans were created, designed, for inspiration and hope, not information. We were made to be met with narrative, not hard cold facts. That's why Jesus used stories, or, parables. It's as if he knew what would cause our hearts to come alive: not the hard cold facts about how we should live, but the stories. It's why God, in Scripture, asks and inspires people to write down the story of the Isrealites, and the story ultimately of Jesus. We are drawn in by stories, tales, and parables, not by data or facts. Now, while we're all wired interestingly different, and while some people's brains light up at different things, it is just simply true of human condition that we remember story over fact any day. Stories remind us, refresh us, and recenter us in what is truth. What is truth? Reality. What is the reality? God is a communal, loving relational God, who created us to share in His love together. God calls us beloved, and that belovedness is not made known or manifest through us gaining materialistically, or progressing socially, or having that which the world deems beautiful: rather, God Himself is our satisfaction, our breath of life, that which quenches our thirst, that which feeds our hungry soul. 

What I am learning about myself is that I am hungry for the approval, acceptance, nearness, belovedness, from other people, when I already have all of those things AND MORE from my Beloved Father. I belive, but help my unbelief! I already HAVE God's whole heart toward me, and my name is written on His hands. The more I engage in online shopping, the more I feed the voice of insecurity and inadequacy, the more I allow shame to rule over me, the more I become a dark, hardened, evil person with malicious intent. The more I surrender that brokenness, ask for the Father to soften my heart, seek His face, enjoy His gaze, look for His smile, believe in my Belovedness from Him, the more I become like Him and can extend love toward others. The more I engage in confession, honesty, and openness about the reality of my heart, the more healing, wholeness, openness, and breakthrough I can experience. The more I extend safety to others to be a place of comfort, solace, and safety as they confess, the more freedom I can experience for myself. The more I engage in honesty, authenticity, and bringing my whole self to the table, the more I express, move, dance, breathe, and get honest about my emotions, and the more resilience the Holy Spirit can build in me. 

I have learned this semester that I am deeply insecure, sensitive, and have a really low emotional resilience. What happened with YikYak, the spiritual vulnerability of leading worship while such horrible things were happening, was heart wrenching. I had such a hard time healing/recovering from that. And really, I just simply recognized this about myself: I have low emotional resilience. I have a really hard time coming back from a difficult situation. I am deeply sensitive. I am envious of other people, comparing myself to them and making sure I am doing well in comparison to them. And comparison kills my joy. It really does. 

I want to begin to step into healthy rhythms: 

1. Emotional Resilience building through counseling 

2. Gratitude daily through journaling. 

3. Exercising as much as I can. Drinking water slowly. Sleeping much. Making margin for the Lord. Healing. Becoming awake to the Spirit and alive in Him. 

Rather than making these things a chore, I want them to be embedded into my routine for at least this stage of my life I am in. I long to experience emotional resilience so that I can truly partake in the freedom of Jesus. 

Donny, Brian, and Aynsley today spoke this beautiful truth over me: I am a MOVEMENT MOBILIZER. I unleash freedom in people to express worship to God through movement and laughter. In thinking about who God has created me to be, I am a Champion of Laughter, a Light-Bearer, A Life Speaker, A Beloved Lover, a Movement Mobilizer, and a Meaning Maker. These are the ways God has uniquely shaped me in the world; As one who frees and speaks empowerment, hope, life, confidence, energy, power, authority, freedom. Abba has tethered me in, behind and before as one who lives in this way. 

It is in slowing down, learning to understand and manage leadership anxiety, making margin, hearing the voice of the Lord, cultivating rest, creativity, and play, and in laughter, that the Father is healing me. It is in honesty, me bringing my honest heart to the Lord, laying everything out on the table, even the deepest, darkest things that I am most deeply ashamed of, my lusts for the world and my passions for things like beauty and vanity... It is in giving humbly and repentantly my brokenness to the Lord, that He mends, makes beautiful, and heals everything. He restores everything; it is in His nature, and it is the entire picture and story we are given in His Word. He restores all things, brings all things back to Himself, and renews all hearts. 

I guess that's what I'm longing for: a renewed heart, transformed desires: desires that are completely transformed into His desires. I long to long for God. 

I long for a renewed heart and rightly ordered loves, working toward a telos of God. To experience truth, goodness, and beauty, and to not be disillusioned by the ways of the world or the things that the world offers. To have a soft heart, to learn, to read, to press in, to lean in, to encourage, to learn to be a kind friend to myself, to speak to myself with compassion and care, and to nurture my soul. To nurture, be compassionate, and extend hospitality to others, not as an anxious presence, but as a non-anxious presence. 

I am simply learning and unraveling so much. 

It is becoming clear to me that I love all of the things that were discussed in ethnodoxology: 

Languages, ethnicities, art forms, and everywhere in between are being expressed and learned. Singing worship songs in different languages, being hospitable to all cultures and sharing the good news of Jesus in ways that are hospitable to all cultures. Dancing, incorporating abstract art into worship, learning to engage in sounds, incorporating the congregation into all kinds of instrumental worship, learning percussion, learning harmonies, how to pastor a congregation through learning something new, inviting people to get out of their comfort zones, leading with humility, asking questions, being a person of curiosity who is slow to speak, using our gifts to benefit one another, enriching each other with newness and life... seeing each other, drawing out the gifts in each other rather than tearing each other down or judging each other or imposing our opinions on each other or comparing our gifts... 

I am learning that my self-consciousness and insecurities get in the way of me actually being kind, sweet, and gentle with people. 

What would it be like to be gentle and understanding and ask questions kindly? To explore the world and be with people, but to take the space, I need as an ambivert as well? To appreciate all things in all people, to draw out beauty and freedom, and to not be insecure of unsure of my significance. To celebrate my beauty and carry my beauty with dignity while celebrating and dignifying the beauty of others. 

El Roi- He is the God who sees. That is the name God has written on my heart and is continuing to write on my heart. He is the God who sees me, closely, intimately, with no reservation. 

I am realizing that I often have an uptight posture, a self-protective, always wondering what people think of me posture where I have my fists clenched and my shoulders tight. I want to be free, like a cageless bird, soaring through the air with no concern about what people think about them. To live with a birds eyes view and to practice intense gratitude and celebration of love and life. To practice contentment: gratitude begets contentment. 

It's like the curtain has been pulled back and there are things revealed inside the closet and I'm doing a junk clean out, and realizing that much of what is inside is junk and mostly that's my own impatience. There is a lot of learning I'm doing, and I can even feel the pride and scarcity welling up inside me now. But also the excitement and joy that comes from being deeply attached to the Father. I simply long for freedom, hope, beauty, life, and to be so in touch with reality that I am the beloved, that I am not fooled by the false illusions (though they are tangible) of the world. I want to be ENTANGLED in the truth that I am the beloved! 

I want to champion movement, champion togetherness, and be a part of the beautiful body of believers rather than assuming I have everything figured out or that I am the one who should lead the causes. I am a simply desperate, unhealthy, needy child, who longs to be seen and beloved, and who is clinging to Abba.